Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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