Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
