Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
