Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
