I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
