I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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