OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
