i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
