When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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