If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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