Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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