I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
