god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My balls are so social today.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
