my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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