I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
