Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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