What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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