when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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