I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
