somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
