I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
