The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
