I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
dude. I can hear the air.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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