I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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