I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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