$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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