Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
