I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
