i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
