Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
