i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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