The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
did i walk over a car last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
