im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
All the doctor said was why
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
