I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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