Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
