If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
