I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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