i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
