I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
