Your mouth is God's brothel.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
