first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
