Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
