I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
