He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob