drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist