So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.