My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
