My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
