I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
