I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
