I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
