i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
