Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
