yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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