how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
