My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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