Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
